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I was assigned to create an ‘Action Project’ for my Intro to WGS class. I’m an avid blogger (I run the blog, The Kindly Outspoken and YouTube channel, CarlyNed) so I thought I would create a project I’d enjoy working on. As a former victim of domestic violence and sister of Alpha Chi Omega sorority, I selected a topic that meant a lot to me: domestic violence awareness. I never expected my survey to reach such a large number of people and the data I collected was astonishing.
Domestic violence is more common than you may believe.
As a 15-year-old girl, I didn’t know who to go to when I felt scared and stuck in an abusive relationship. I ended up hiding out in the off-the-house washroom calling the Hotline. Yet, I wish that as a society we had more resources to extend to those suffering. When I was 15, I wasn’t aware of the signs and couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening to me. My project was designed of three parts: a survey, a PSA, and a blog. My survey got feedback from you all about what you think is necessary for me to share. With the data I collected, I am able to create a website that is fine-tuned to your needs. The PSA is available in the pages of Love Shouldn’t Hurt, there is also a link in which you are able to share on Facebook, Tumblr, etc. My blog is the final part of the project and constantly a work in progress, I will be adding and updating Love Shouldn’t Hurt as I go. The blog is here for YOU. To let you know you are not alone and you deserve better.
It took me a year to get out of an abusive relationship and after that- I was stalked until I moved away to college. Getting out of an abusive relationship is possible, but depending on the situation, can be difficult. With help, you will be able to find peace. However, the effects of being in an abusive relationship can last a lifetime. It’s important to talk about it and know it’s not your fault. The links on this blog will connect you with the resources you may need to reach out.
Thank you all so much for responding to my survey and being a part of this project. Together, we can end the silence on domestic violence.
"All types of abuse are equally traumatic. A type of abuse I see in college relationships the most is emotional. This is the hardest type of abuse to beat because when you are in love with someone it is hard to get the courage to have the strength to know that your relationship is unhealthy. Having a significant other making you feel like you need to be isolated and that you are the problem forces the victim to believe that something is wrong with them. Mental disorders can form and confidence can be forever damaged by the want and the need to make their significant other happy with them, when in reality the victim needs to learn to be happy with themselves. We need to teach men and women what healthy relationships are to prevent this culture from continuing."
"I have PTSD, anxiety & depression because of an abusive relationship and I wish there was more out there to remind me I'm not alone or weird or broken."
"As a friend of someone who has been emotionally abused it is so hard to watch someone (an alpha chi sister) go through something like this and acknowledge that the relationship is not healthy but she has been essentially brainwashed to believe that she will never find love with someone else because he has told her she's not good enough. She is planning on moving across the country for him and it breaks my heart."
"I am a survivor of domestic violence. After leaving him, I felt like a failure, though I literally saved my life, the things he said and did to me still resonated in my head and I felt that it was my fault. When I started dating again, I was told I was damaged. It wasn't until I met my now fiancé that I was ever told I was a hero and that I was brave. I had people telling me to leave my ex husband many times, but it wasn't until I finally realised that this wasn't ok that I decided to leave. Many women can't make that choice and don't have a support system. Be that support."
"I don't think it's fair to have someone rank what types of abuse are mostill traumatic. All abuse is traumatic and this is coming from someone who has both lived through abuse and worked with survivors of abuse for several years. Ranking types of abuse is essentially telling a survivor that their type of abuse isn't as bad because another type is worse and that's unacceptable."
"He was a 23 year old co-worker, and I was only 16. I told my boss, but he ignored me because there "wasn't enough evidence." They were friends."
"I feel that physical abuse is taken more seriously than sexual abuse in terms of consequences to their actions. Often times there is victim blaming and slut shaming, and although there is more awareness of these things, I do still feel abuse isn't spoken about enough."
"At the time it happened, I didn't know it was emotional abuse. I thought it was normal behavior."
"Emotional abuse is extremely important to raise awareness on bc a lot of women think oh he isn't hitting me so I'm not being abused and he's just mad or were just in a fight when really they're being beaten down emotionally."
"Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse, I think."
"Sometimes I don't consider my emotional abuse to be abuse because it wasn't ever physical. I still feel the effects of both of those relationships to this day."
"When I was a victim for almost 2 years, only 3 people ever stepped in to help me when it happened in public. All 3 of those people were girls."
Thank you all so much for responding to my survey and being a part of this project. Together, we can end the silence on domestic violence.
Your anonymous responses:
"All types of abuse are equally traumatic. A type of abuse I see in college relationships the most is emotional. This is the hardest type of abuse to beat because when you are in love with someone it is hard to get the courage to have the strength to know that your relationship is unhealthy. Having a significant other making you feel like you need to be isolated and that you are the problem forces the victim to believe that something is wrong with them. Mental disorders can form and confidence can be forever damaged by the want and the need to make their significant other happy with them, when in reality the victim needs to learn to be happy with themselves. We need to teach men and women what healthy relationships are to prevent this culture from continuing."
"I have PTSD, anxiety & depression because of an abusive relationship and I wish there was more out there to remind me I'm not alone or weird or broken."
"As a friend of someone who has been emotionally abused it is so hard to watch someone (an alpha chi sister) go through something like this and acknowledge that the relationship is not healthy but she has been essentially brainwashed to believe that she will never find love with someone else because he has told her she's not good enough. She is planning on moving across the country for him and it breaks my heart."
"I am a survivor of domestic violence. After leaving him, I felt like a failure, though I literally saved my life, the things he said and did to me still resonated in my head and I felt that it was my fault. When I started dating again, I was told I was damaged. It wasn't until I met my now fiancé that I was ever told I was a hero and that I was brave. I had people telling me to leave my ex husband many times, but it wasn't until I finally realised that this wasn't ok that I decided to leave. Many women can't make that choice and don't have a support system. Be that support."
"I don't think it's fair to have someone rank what types of abuse are mostill traumatic. All abuse is traumatic and this is coming from someone who has both lived through abuse and worked with survivors of abuse for several years. Ranking types of abuse is essentially telling a survivor that their type of abuse isn't as bad because another type is worse and that's unacceptable."
"He was a 23 year old co-worker, and I was only 16. I told my boss, but he ignored me because there "wasn't enough evidence." They were friends."
"I feel that physical abuse is taken more seriously than sexual abuse in terms of consequences to their actions. Often times there is victim blaming and slut shaming, and although there is more awareness of these things, I do still feel abuse isn't spoken about enough."
"At the time it happened, I didn't know it was emotional abuse. I thought it was normal behavior."
"Emotional abuse is extremely important to raise awareness on bc a lot of women think oh he isn't hitting me so I'm not being abused and he's just mad or were just in a fight when really they're being beaten down emotionally."
"Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse, I think."
"Sometimes I don't consider my emotional abuse to be abuse because it wasn't ever physical. I still feel the effects of both of those relationships to this day."
"When I was a victim for almost 2 years, only 3 people ever stepped in to help me when it happened in public. All 3 of those people were girls."
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